What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:10
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He knew the spot.
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Put me off passion for life!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was scared of men, in general
What should I expect after a BBL surgery?
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
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All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why would a girl not want you to know she has a crush on you?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What do dreams about dead people mean?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Comes on , in middle age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
We all went to grammer schools
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i lived it daily.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!